my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
