i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
