There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
