My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
