saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's never too late to be topless.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
