i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
