Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
