Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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