he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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