I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
