I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
