I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
