My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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