Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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