you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
