My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
