also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
