At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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