I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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