The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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