I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
