i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
