I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
