I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this