I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
