She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
