also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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