3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
