I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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