I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
