whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
