need another drink. this is the easiest way
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
