I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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