I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
