My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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