in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
