When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
