Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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