I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
