my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
