you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
