Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
