Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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