like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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