I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
someone owes me an orgasm
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
