Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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