Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
