I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
