Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
