The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
