That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
