a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
