I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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