Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
