I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The police scanner is talking about you again....
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
