i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
