Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
