you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
