A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
