I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
