As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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