You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
